Time Perspectives

Time is short and slippery.  We think we don't have enough but we squander it.
we spend it on useless endeavors like getting ahead and getting at the top of the ladder when we could have spent it on working at our humanity, engaging in affairs that benefit others and in valuing what we have and not spend hours being bitter about those who have what we don't have.

Before we know it, we have spent time unwisely.  We have  wasted it like milk that spilled on the ground never to be retrieved.  Well it can fertilize the grass that will feed the cows who will give milk in return, but never that same milk again. 

Time is the only commodity that cannot be recycled.  But it can be "stored" and even "captured."  There are the TBT's on IG and FB - photos that get stored in the clouds and come back to freshen our memories if not to show how much we have gained in weight, skin and silver hair .  There are storytellers who can recall experiences as vivid as when they happened and scents and sounds that can transport us back to the moment.

Time heals all wounds if we don't keep scratching and opening them.  Patience is a close kin of Time.  We don't get the results we want as easily as we make coffee or buy cola from the vendo.

Time is the master teacher.  If we don't learn our lessons now,  maybe we can tomorrow or next year or never.  Well, that sucks.  No teacher would want that.

Have you actually felt time like a presence?  I like to put my feet up after a long, hard day and keep still.  When I listen to my inner silence and have put all my baggages down, then Time sits with me in between intervals of breathing, with my soul.

I love "wasting" time!  I feel bigger than it when I do! At my age, I command it.  I tell it to go ahead when I have to tarry a while to kiss the babies who keep popping up in my house in the morning just when I am about to go to work.  I have mastered time  when I do a day's worth of work in a few hours with maximum results.  I even had the privilege of meeting the months of the new year through the calendars I make!

Time is relative.  It becomes what it is depending on how we use it or what our goals are and it can be mastered and outdone when we invest it on pursuits that build like growing children.

98: my Boss

Since I have no supervisor nor a boss to report to, i had to be my boss. The boss to regulate me, to give me deadlines and feedback, to promote me or worse to terminate me.

The boss of me tells me that I am very lazy at times but the boss of me thinks so because she can be hard on me. Well it is her opinion and I respect that. 

I have not had a raise or promotion for 23 years but the boss of me believes that I should tackle other projects to keep me from leaving this firm as she believes that it is not in the money bag that makes one stay in her job.  She thinks that it is in being given the room to be creative that gives job satisfaction.  She firmly believes that I have to earn my own keep as I have been stricken out of payroll because I am too old to be employed according to her manual that only applies to me. 

It is difficult enough to have a boss who bosses, but this boss of mine is the laziest boss on earth! she makes me do just about everything! From her make-up to her spiritual salvation!

But we have managed to get a few things done though.  Me I mean with her as boss.

Here is my schedule from the boss of me: 

#97: Regrets of Sleeping Beauty

97: housebound

I did not notice that i had been taking photos of family, of home and neighbors largely for months and months and years perhaps. 

I am not complaining because I am not really a traveller but i thought that i would always like the fact that I have the whole universe in my corner and that there is something strange or new or interesting to document each day. 

The rain in the past days alone have caught my fancy that I have tirelessly been obsessed with it.  

And have even mused about the rain twice or thrice in this project of musings daily. Now I feel trapped! 

What's worse is that I take pictures of my house, sometimes of the same spot at different times of the day. And my relatives!  Same subjects! What a small world now! Will you agree? 

I sigh as I write now. And it feels like the same feeling when one has eaten or has had too much of anything. The Tagalog word for that is "nauta", "nauyam", "nasuya", "nanawa" which is to have reached the point of satiation or nausea.   Exactly!  

Bf4

Bf4 looks like a Mayan warrior. We just started. One month of training that is also like an on and off thing. He is persistent and quite strict. He gives no mercy. Side planks till my elbows hurt. I guess he was nervous at first but gave out a laugh when I told him that he was cheating with time. Why do 20seconds seem like an hour? 

Today he accused me of eating a lot while i could not make it to our training. And even suspected that I ate junk food! How could he tell? 

This bf4 is very young. I like his shorts and his shirts and he comes to the house in color coded rubber shoes. 

My Bf1, the one who looks like Shrek with his big bald head dressed well too. On his first day, he came wearing a white shawl with fringes like a dalai lama. He is a neat freak. Will blow and wipe dust and ants on the floor before a session started. 

Bf2 is more casual and comes looking very organic and earth friendly. We would have our yoga and tai chi in open air, on grass and even areas with hardly any grass. 

Bf3 is wondering how my shoulders are. Let's see if he can come for my hips. 

Bigger than petty

IWhen do pettiness come in? That annoying dissection of things that don't really matter in the end? 

That little minor neglible irritant is a source of imbalance that can create disharmony if allowed to blow up. Complaints especially with the very petty nature are even served and shared with gusto and delight like the crispy skin of lechon in parties. 

Time is wasted on triviality when time is the most expensive resource that is in our hands to operate. 

This happens in the government, institutions or any set up like family for that matter. 

Why do we "pettyrify" things?  Why bother with this at all? Don't we have better things to do? 

My most productive time is when I am busy

1) practicing/ studying/ learning something new

2) in pursuit of old loves like a fulfilling hobby 

3) with problems on how to make both ends meet

4) with plans on how to "scam" better

5) loving and adoring my babies that i don't even want to hear repeated reviews of how somebody or something is or not. 

But admittedly, i am but human. I also fall into this game of pettiness. 

Is obsessing about my husband drinking 4.5 liters of Pepsi Max almost daily too petty for my own good?  I found out yes. 

After years of trying to offer moderation and realizing that I am the only one affected and he does not even give a damn. 

                           So......

stop complaining and do something bigger than petty. 

Why don't we just get busy with other things eh? Let's just try to find where the Yamashita treasure is buried or teach a child to read. 

Bedtime story

Ka Justo was angry at his Impo because greatgrandma died.  He declared that he is eating no more!! If he refuses food, he thinks (which is correct) that it will prevent him from growing old.  Mommy told him that yes he will not grow old because he will die young. He sat up on the bed and could not believe that there is no way out.

He asked his mommy if she can watch him sleep and instructed her to go ahead and text and never to fall asleep before him. 

And Oh! Before that, he recommended that his Ors ( grandpa) moves in with them. Because he said that in their house, he will not be able to binge on hotdogs and bacon and sweet ripe mangoes. 

He is an adviser and consultant for hire. I am the manager.

Grateful

Grateful that there are all kinds of weather. Sunny, cloudy, rainy, windy. I taught these in kindergarten.

Grateful for all kinds of emotions. A few of them would be like:

 I love emoticons. They are the new Chinese characters. Very universal. Each one tells a story understood by many. 

Grateful for assortments. I do not particularly enjoy assorted chocolates in a box but that's the great thing! You will never know what to expect. Surprise!!!!

As life will always be. But i prefer peace and healthy and safe and lovely and prosperous and light and funny and all things God made beautiful for my family and loved ones. 

May they always be. 

As for myself- looking back at the things that were elusive in my life-  I asked my Father to make me a good person. Maybe it was something I did not deserve. 

Amen. 

Roses for Breakfast

Mind goes blank and it is a welcome rest.  There will be many thoughtful days ahead and so this morning i am listening unintentionally to what is outside of me- dogs barking, my computer trying to produce music but unsuccessfully, the kitchen sounds, garden sounds and more barking.

I stare at my breakfast while doing this. It is too beautiful to eat. 

And i make the first move of putting slices of orange on my plate and eating each slice uninterestingly. 

A bite of grape vintaged in my freezer. 

Consciously moving from empty to full. 

Some days you don't wake up with sunlight on your face and a life force that says 'Here I am!!'

Some days you make do with a little and not worry about it at all. 

Have some roses if the day started bleak. 

Emma' boyfriends: number 1

Andrew

My ever faithful shrink and yoga teacher. My first boyfriend after i married my husband. He used to scare me. He looked like shrek!  I asked my husband to watch us when we did yoga and I dreaded being left alone with him. 

He brought me beautiful saris and heavenly incense. His "ohms" were mesmerzing and he is better with sanskrit than any language or dialect.

In one of our early practice days he said: "hid en lowtus" while doing my asana. It took me a little time to figure it out so I asked: "Hidden lotus? You have not taught me that". Many more followed to my delight! Head in lotus became one of my favorite asanas along with "cowbrah" and lifting when he meant "left". 

He knows I can be lazy and that is when he would make very long poses.  Or be very compassionate when he knows that i was just trying to be brave. But was always proud of what i have learned from him. 

He listened to my woes with all his heart. In between he did vegetarian cooking for me, brought me books and taught me how to wear a sari. 

And i got used to his face.  I pray that his borrowed kidney is still smiling inside his body. 

Remember Me

I remember as a child crying  at night just thinking that my mother will die.

And each time I listened to the song "Mama", I would cry too. 

When i found out that my mother had terminal cancer, I wished everyday that I would wake up from that nightmare. 

I missed her letters, her roast turkey, her brews, her voice, her laughter, her soft skin... when everything about Mary stopped! 

Then magically, life flowed like a river again and I found myself braving the world without her and continuing through all the lessons that she left me with. 

When i paint roses, they are for her. When i watch my daughter brewing things, I see her. When i spend money and time on useless things, i hear her. I feel her when i am in a beautiful garden. I see her hands in mine. 

Remembering her by remembering me. 

We get by

... and make the most of what we have.  "Have less, do more, be more."

That perhaps is when we think that it's all we got when in fact, we got everything for as long as we can see, we can eat, we can work, we are healthy, and we can  create.  

By the way, the idea of reading or working while reclined is that it creates many chins. Try it. 

Breakfast thoughts

A good breakfast and company included an egg, rice, a small bite of hotdog, a very sweet cup of coffee literally and figuratively and Lucy. 

Thanking the people who help make work and pursuits happen. 

In my worst, Jenn is here. 

In my frenzy, Johnny. 

In my chaos, Lorna. 

In my triumphs small and big they are here. Except for Ramil whose work and presence are always interrupted with his wife's demands and fits. 

Do you prevent anyone from accomplishing things because you are more important? 

Well, i am on my second sip of the very sweet coffee rendered by my sweet Jenny!  Of course Lucy is more important. 

Cheers!! 

This Bridge

This is the coolest area. Yes it is breezy, and it rocks!

I hung a hammock on this bridge some years back when all i could do was to keep myself suspended due to an illness. This is a vantage point. One can still spy the rest of the house from here. 

It is a historical bridge because of the countless "celebrations" that have happened here.  Announcement of pregnancy, overseas calls, family meetings (you know how these things turn out at times), and babies lulled under spell by the beautiful song birds and the giant tree ferns.   This is also where Golda and Keira take their dog naps. This is also the cat's port where she imagines a pair of wings caught between her jaws and hears her conscience whispering "no Marmalade!" denying her very nature.

I am snacking on my chia pudding here this afternoon. Meanwhile, i am content that  i have Aurora on my lap! 

photo by Justo

                   

I thought

the babies will now be Ate and Kuya

It has been years it seems.
Now that I visit, it feels like I am a stranger discovering things on pages that I wrote.

So many things have happened.
I thought they were the same story repeatedly happening to me.

There were no words for a long time.
I thought I was a wretch and my days were extraordinarily ordinary.

What was I up to?
I thought I was not doing anything because I was working.
Picking my nose and the pieces of my life peppered with many beginnings.

I thought I did not know how to write all these
because there was nothing to write.
but as I tried to grasp in words the moments that fleeted by

I thought that I have to write again.

To write about my abundant blessings is making me fizzy inside.
Here's why.

the babies are growing.  they are incessantly talking and learning.
the toddlers are tall and fat and they are very funny and very sensitive.
there are new additions to the brood.  a baby girl waiting to be born anytime.
and another on the way in October!

So much to write about I realize now, while Kiera is teaching Golda how to keep vigil at night.

Immahhh!

Sunday.
breakfast.
little voice calling me.

it's breezy
in my room.

the bed
undone.

yoga
in a little while.

TGIF

I had a call from someone who wanted something from me:
a date? my body? my virtue?
for a million dollars? a villa in Provence?
I guess that I can only, perhaps wish!

I had an interview this afternoon and I was asked
three questions...
My answers were beauty, happiness and purpose.

I spoke with three gurus today.
One was about time.
The second about a plan
And the third about growing up.

The call was disappointing,
I did not have all the answers to the three questions
And the gurus did not disappoint me.

The peanut butter sandwich was dry
And I missed my lunch today.

For Not Over 5

somethings I have to live with:
My fats that love me unconditionally
My crazy addiction to things that are handmade and are perfect with imperfection
dreams that will not go away
in the same manner that I have to live with...
who I am!

somethings I don't have to live with but would like to live with forever:
guilt over eating a pound of strawberry short cake giving me a glow that only great desserts can!
believing that I am on a vacation and transported to a trance-like state as I use up precious minutes that turn to hours until midnight...
trying to save the world and earn millions of cyber coins in a game of blitz and an alligator needing water for his bath, some creatures needing rescue from fire and some dirt hero gobbling up pollution!
not to mention real life rescues that without them, I will be obsessing over grime and fiingerprints.

things I will not have to endure but would love to because there is no because:
farts- small ones, musical ones, odorous in different levels:  milky, sour, nitrogenous...
not mine or from anyone above 5- where only Jacob, Jose, Justo, Sofia and Ziva qualify!
sneezes  like showers of stars and drizzles of innocence, I don't mind wiping little noses afterwards...
mess and happy traces that a meal took place
wet bed and blankets
pillows drooled overnight
thoughts and ideas i cannot believe my ears
and the kisses with bite, fish and egg kisses with lips puckered or a toothy hard kiss, soft ones and wet too.
and fights...
ALL and more from them
Not over 5!

the first 10 minutes

eyes newly opened
my name being called
a request and some questions
roosters crowing
first ray of sunlight
pitter patter of little feet
cheek to cheek with Jacob
Jose smiling...
Justo with Ana
thoughts drifting to Sophia and Ziva
sunlight in 8 Mile
hedcen...

No Talk Just Eat

This is a mouth-watering photo of what "Emma Ate" the other day.

creepy appetit at La Crepperie

If I will draw an illustration of what goes inside my body now, it will be a slew of what you can find in a glutton's diary!

There is life throbbing inside every cell of mine!  And that is what I call H-u-N-g-E-Rrrrrr!  This wild greed is once again palpable and very much alive.

Ziva has nothing to do with my crimes of passion but the burger- the burger at pancake house yesterday was oooohh!

My great friend Therese prepared this food oozing with love when I visited her more than a year ago.  I cannot forget how gooood it was.

I would choose this situation a hundred times over than this scenario:

sick.  too sick to even want to see food.  mouth is dry.  esophagus is not wanting entry.  loosing weight without even a fight!

Loosing weight without even a fight??? How can anything be worse than this?

I am happy to welcome back the big A!! Appetite is back!  It slipped out of my mouth maybe as I talked, lost it, then it found its way again, back to where it used to belong.

You know that it's back when your mouth starts to salivate once again- that means your brain is sending signals that a double dark chocolate crepe topped with ice cream is what this life is all about for that fleeting moment of voraciousness!

Always hungry.  The stomach would want to churn, and turn, and grind.  Grind! Grind! Grind!  You get addicted to food and you love seeing other people eat and you think of food immediately when you wake up and you think of your next meal while you are in the middle of a meal and you imagine food and you open your ref each time you see it and you almost want to live in your kitchen and you think of places where you can gobble up and then the pounds start registering and you feel your waistline and your thighs, then your face starts to swell up, then you get up and with the conviction of a revolutionary, you put up a fight!  Once again, your weight is in your hands.  Your life is yours again to take or live!

This darn business of getting sick and recovering is worse than the US depression!

Next agenda is to get fatter that you would want to exercise!  come join me in my quest for life's greatest challenge- to be or not to be.